I'm Afraid To Meet You
by samurai007
Summary: Based off a Gamkar headcanon I found on tumblr- Karkat and Gamzee are "long distance" boyfriends, even though they live closeish, Karkat does not want to meet Gamzee. Read to find out why! Rated M for things. EnJoY!
1. Our relationship

**Hey guys~ So on tumblr I saw this post about a GamKar AU where live sorta near each other but they meet on the internet and are dating "long distance" and Karkat doesn't want to meet Gamzee, won't give his address or anything even though they're so close, because Karkat hates himself and just doesn't want Gamzee to see him irl 'cause he thinks Gamzee would lose all interest when he found out "how horrible he was in person". So I decided to write this fic based on that little prompt. Definitely ooc (Karkat is gonna be SUPER ooc just a warning) 'cause that's how I write everything. Btw, this is all very gay so don't like don't read blah blah how'd you even find this if you don't like that? Anyhow, enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: Don't own Gamzee, Karkat, other characters possibly included, they belong to Andrew Hussie. The headcanon belongs to tumblr user yummytomatoes. The writing part is the only thing that's mine (also, humanstuck if you weren't sure?) ^.^**

**~0~0~0**

Karkat

I don't actually know how he found me, I guess it's just never really been mentioned. So from my point of view, it was just last year, and I got a message on Trollian. I had just downloaded it a week or so before.

_Flashback_

_You were just sort of standing in your room, doing nothing in particular, just sort of thinking about random things and talking to yourself like you always do. _

_A weird sort of _ding!_ noise comes from your computer. You walk over, sitting down at the old wooden desk. The icon for Trollian has a little 1 in the corner, a notification, you presume. You hesitantly clicked on it, pulling up the chatting program. _

_A message from a user _terminallyCapricious [TC]

terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TC: WeLl HeY tHeRe MoThErFuCkEr

CG: UH

CG: HI

TC: i'M gAmZeE, wHaT's YoUr NaMe?

CG: WELL

TC: WhAt?

CG: I'D RATHER NOT GIVE OUT MY NAME

CG: SORRY

TC: Oh No ToTaLlY cOoL bRo

TC: DoNt WaNt To MaKe YoU uNcOmFoRtAbLe Or AnYtHiNg

CG: THANKS

TC: HaVe YoU hAd TrOlLiAn FoR vErY lOnG?

CG: I'VE HAD IT FOR A WEEK

CG: WHAT ABOUT YOU?

TC: i'Ve HaD iT fOr A yEaR

TC: iT's GrEaT bRo

TC: MeEt AlL kInDs Of AwEsOmE mOtHeRfUcKeRs hErE

CG: YEAH IT SEEMS LIKE IT

CG: SO ARE YOU MALE OR FEMALE?

CG: JUST WONDERING

TC: i'M a BoY

TC: aNd YoU?

CG: I AM ALSO A BOY

TC: cOoL

TC: mAyBe We'Ll Be BeSt BrOs

TC: YoU nEvEr KnOw

CG: YEAH

CG: BUT HOLY SHIT MAN

CG: THE WAY YOU TYPE IS SORT OF IRRITATING

TC: SoRrY

TC: eVeRyOnE tElLs Me ThAt

TC: and i mean i can talk like this

TC: but it just feels so unnatural

TC: GoTtA gO wItH wHaT fEeLs RiGhT iN yOuR hEaRt, YoU kNoW?

CG: NO I DON'T

CG: BUT WHATEVER

TC: wElL i GoT sOmE cRaZy ShIt To Do BuT i LiKe YoU a LoT, bRo

TC: AnD i'Ll Be tRoLlInG yOu LaTeR

CG: OKAY

TC: hOnK :o)

terminallyCapricious [TC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

_You smile. Have you actually made a new friend, just like that?_

_Maybe you should actually tell him your name and all…_

_Flashback End_

And on it went, our conversations continued and our friendship grew greatly.

He learned my name is Karkat Vantas, I'm 14, and that we live not too far from each other, although we still haven't met, but we'll get into that later.

I learned his name is Gamzee Makara, and he's also 14.

And the one thing I learned, 9 months ago, is that I am in love with him. I'm not even gay, it's just Gamzee. I find no one else to be attractive, very few girls in my school have I ever liked. And those were really only fleeting crushes.

I don't know how to explain it exactly. I had had a weird growing feeling for a month, and sometimes I could feel my face getting hot at stupid flirty things he'd say to me, whether he knew what he was doing or not.

And then he sent me a picture. His face is so beautiful, I can hardly explain. His face structure (and I guess body structure in general) being on the thin side, you can see his cheekbones well, and the way his eyes have a sort of purple tint to their deep blue-ness, enhanced by the eyeliner he wore. I guess I never really asked if he wore makeup before then, not that it mattered. His crazy hair, too. He had always told me it was untameable, whenever we talked about what we looked like. I guess it was more that he explained and I imagined. I didn't (and don't) want to talk about what I look like. Anyhow, yes it sure was. Messy in the best sort of way, with cute sort of sideswept bands resting on his forehead.

And now he's mine. Yes, I ended up confessing one day and he returned the feelings even more ardently. We still have not met.

The reason is my fault.

I'm too embarrassed to meet him. I hate myself, I'm ugly, and he would only be let down. I can sense his expectations are high, and I don't want him to lose all interest in me. Sometimes in my nightmares, I imagine meeting him, and he just laughs and laughs and tells me I'm really fucking weird and ugly and he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. It scares me so badly, so I refuse to meet him, to give out my address, anything. So we've never exchanged gifts on birthdays, Valentine's Day, Christmas. But that's okay. We're understanding of each other and it works well. For now.

I've told him about these nightmares. He swears he would never ever do something like that to me. I know in the back of my mind that that's true, but I just cannot get the thought out of my head.

He always tells me how handsome I am and how much he loves me, but I just don't know.

Not that I don't trust him in loving me, of course I know that, and I adore him twice as much. But it's a gnawing feeling that I can't trust compliments that anyone gives to me, and it doesn't particularly help when I know he's never seen me.

It's terrible to say that, I should trust how much he loves me, and that even though I'm ugly, he'll still love me. Yeah, it's hard to handle. I'm sure it's worse for him than for me.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll just describe myself to him. Not too much detail. No pictures. But a simple description. Hair color, eye color, hair length, height, weight, simple stuff. Just maybe. We'll see.

I love him so much.


	2. Ex-Girlfriend?

**Hello again! Jegus it's been a while, sorry! But here I am~**

**So, this may seem weird, but quick note, relevant to the story…while writing this chapter I sorta thought about the way I was writing them and their personalities, and the way they do things and whatnot, and decided to make them older? Yeah, it just made more sense to me. I decided on 17, so yep yep….now you may carry on with the reading and things**

**~0~0~0**

Gamzee

I just wish Karkat wouldn't be so self-conscious. I know it sounds sort of selfish to say, but I just want him to know how much he's loved, and I'm sure he's _very_ dapper.

That motherfucker is the love of my life. I would never think he's "ugly" in any way. And I just want to be able to hold him, stroke his hair and tell him how amazing he is. God, I just don't even know what to do.

There's no way I would break up with him. But I really want to meet him. Or, at least know what he looks like.

I sigh, sipping the last delicious drop of grape Faygo in the bottle. Motherfucking delish.

I walk lazily into the small kitchen and find some frozen pizza. I heat up the oven, and step into the living room, turning on the TV to find an episode of Spongebob I'd only seen a hundred times. Nonetheless, I'll watch it.

I sink into the broken couch, setting up a TV tray.

After a few minutes, the oven beeps 3 times, and I trod back into the kitchen to put the pizza in.

14 minutes.

I go into my room and check the computer, making sure I don't have any Trollian messages from Karkat.

I do in fact, and type away a response.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

CG: GAMZEE

CG: GAAAMZEEEE

CG: HEY FUCKASS

CG: DUDE.

TC: aHh SoRrY bRo

TC: I wAs MaKiNg DiNnEr

TC: WhAt DiD yOu NeEd?

CG: WELL

CG: I THOUGHT MAYBE

CG: I COULD AT LEAST SORT OF DESCRIBE MYSELF TO YOU

CG: NO PICTURES!

CG: AND IT JUST SEEMED SORT OF IMPORTANT FOR ME TO ASK IF YOU WOULD LIKE THAT

TC: YeS!

TC: kAr I wOuLd LoVe If YoU wOuLd

TC: I wAnT tO kNoW eVeRyThInG aBoUt YoU

CG: OKAY

CG: HA

CG: WHERE DO I START

TC: iM sOrRy To SaY, bUt MaYbE iT wOuLd Be BeTtEr If We TaLkEd AfTeR i EaT

TC: iT wOnT tAkE lOnG

TC: aNd ThEn Im AlL yOuRs

TC: DeAl?

CG: YEAH

CG: DEAL

terminallyCapricious [TC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

Oh my god.

This is great.

Karkat's going to describe himself. I'm so excited.

I go to check on the pizza, and seeing it has 2 minutes left, go back to the couch.

Before I know it, those 2 minutes are up, and the oven's beeping at me again. I rush into the kitchen: pizza time!

I eat the whole thing in one sitting, and down another bottle of Faygo.

I go back into my room, grabbing my phone, lay in bed and message Karkat again.

terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TC: iM bAcK, kArKlEs

CG: DONT CALL ME THAT

TC: SoRrY

TC: sO

TC: lEtS gEt ThIs PaRtY sTaRtEd

CG: AHAHA, YEAH

CG: WELL

CG: MY HAIR IS BLACK

CG: AND IT SORTA HAVE BANGS, AND IT STICKS UP HERE AND THERE

CG: MY EYES ARE A SORT OF GREYISH ICE BLUE COLOR

_I imagine all this in my head, and I'm starting to form a mental picture. Kar must be quite the cutie._

CG: UM

CG: IM 5'10"

CG: I THINK

CG: I DONT EVEN REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I CHECKED

CG: OH WELL

CG: AND IM PRETTY SELF CONCSIOUS OF MY WEIGHT

CG: SO

TC: DuDe YoU sOuNd MoThErFuCkInG hOt To Me

CG: AHAHAHAHAHA

CG: YEAH

CG: ANYWAYS

CG: I KNOW WE USUALLY TALK FOR LONGER

CG: BUT IM ACTUALLY REALLY TIRED

CG: IM SORRY

TC: NaH mAn ItS oKaY

TC: gEt SoMe ReSt

TC: IlL tAlK tO yOu ToMoRrOw

CG: OKAY

CG: I LOVE YOU, GAMZEE

TC: Love you too, Karkles.

terminallyCapricious [TC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

I know he hates the way I type, so whenever I want to say something meaningfully, I stop typing like that. That way he knows I mean it.

I'm still hungry, even after eating a whole pizza, although it had been maybe a half an hour since I ate. I trudge into the kitchen, only to find nothing. Not literally, but there really isn't much. I'll have to go into town tomorrow.

I sigh. Guess it's off to bed for me. I'll probably dream about Karkat again, and this time I'll have a better visual. I smile at the thought.

~0~0~0

The next day, after getting dressed, brushing teeth and hair, and checking for messages, I walk out of my apartment and find my way into town.

I lived fairly close, so it wasn't an issue to walk.

I turned the corner and there I was, standing in front of the local grocery store. It was a small place, but it had everything you'd ever need.

I picked up whatever sounded good; frozen pizza, apples, Faygo, etc.

After getting everything I needed, I went over to the checkout line, which was surprisingly short.

I try to be nice to everyone and always smile, maybe make conversation, and especially here, I try to talk to the cashiers or something. I found it weird that this time there wasn't a name tag on his shirt. Maybe he was new? Hmm.

"Hey, how are you doin' today?" I asked as he scanned and bagged half a pie from the store's bakery.

He just barely mumbled, "Good thanks, and you?"

He wasn't looking at me at all, it almost seemed like he was avoiding eye contact on purpose. "Great!" I replied, swiping my card and taking the bags.

When I was about to walk out, a familiar face comes into the store. Shit. I hang my head down, trying to nonchalantly walk past.

"Gamzee."

Damn. I look up.

"Oh! Hey, Tav…" I say as if I hadn't noticed her before.

She comes up to my, grabs my neck to bring me down a few inches to her level, and kisses me straight on the lips.

I'm shocked. I pull away.

"Tavros…"

"Gamzee, I love you."

"No, Tav, please, just-" She kisses me again. "I don't want to talk about this here, maybe a talk over coffee?" I say, trying to be polite.

"Yeah, that'd be fine." She says, taking my hand and pulling me outside, presumably to the nearby café.

Once there, we sit down and order our drinks.

"Gamzee, I can't let you go. I know it's been a year at least, but I want you back," Tavros says, keeping eye contact. I look away.

"Tavros, look. I liked you 2 years ago, I really did. But that was then. You dumped me. And that's fine. But I'm over it. And I found someone else." I explained.

"No," she said, just the one word.

"I can see your confidence has built up greatly. Maybe it's because I'm not with you anymore. Look on that bright side. I can't be with you again."

"I want to meet them," she said firmly.

"You can't," I said. This isn't going well.

"What do you mean? If you really found someone else, I won't believe it until I see them. And I'll take you back, Gamzee. I want you again."

"You've established that. There's multiple reasons you can't meet him. And I won't go further in depth. You can't have me again, Tav. It hurt when you broke up with me. And I don't want you back. I have someone. And that's that." I take a sip of my coffee.

"Fine. I'll find a way, Gamzee. You'll _want_ me." And with that, she stood up, leaving three dollars and a kiss on the cheek.

**~0~0~0**

**Alrighty! Hope this is longer than I think it is, sorry if it's a disappointment!**

**Please review, add to favorite, etc if you like it so far!**

**-Samurai**


	3. Gamzee and Tavros?

**Welcome back! Sorry it took me like a month to update that last chapter, I was having writing problems and a LOT of school crap, but I'll sure try to update more regularly (is that even proper grammar?) . Anyhow, yep, Tavros was originally just gonna kiss him and say he missed him (and would've been a guy) and yeah, but then look I did more things and now he's a she and maybe a bitch? Yup. **

**Also, SELF-HARM TRIGGER WARNING, I made sure that was was caps in case ya'll don't read this. I wasn't originally planning on doing this, but Karkat's pretty messed up. Sorry. Also Kankri is Kar's legal guardian. But I dunno much about Kankri so I'm sorta wingin' it. **

**~0~0~0**

Karkat

_Oh my god. I actually did it._

I had. I described myself to Gamzee. I know it wasn't much, but…he thinks I'm hot.

I know he doesn't _really_ know what I look like, but…whatever.

I wasn't really tired, but I didn't know what else to say, and felt sort of awkward, and I do have to work tomorrow, so it's probably I good idea anyways.

~0~0~0

I stretch and yawn when I wake up. First good sleep I've had in months. Wow.

I slowly walk across the hall to the bathroom, hopefully Kankri's already left. I don't feel like dealing with him today. Luckily I make it there okay. I stare at myself in the mirror and sigh. Gamzee would never think I'm _actually_ hot. Maybe he likes my personality, but… I don't even know.

I open the cabinet and stare at what it contains. Whatever medication for Kankri. Cough syrup. Advil. I get on my tiptoes. There it is. My blade. I haven't touched it for probably 4 months. I sigh again. I just can't get rid of it. I might need it.

I close the cabinet, splash some water on my face and leave the bathroom.

I go into the kitchen and open the fridge. _Nope._

Check the freezer. _No._

Cereal? _I don't think so._

I groan. I want food, but…I don't _really_ want it. If I ever want to meet Gamzee I'll have to lose some weight. Speaking of…

I go back into the bathroom and step on the scale. _126_, it reads. Last month I weighed 135. Whatever.

I trudge into my room and put on my black t-shirt for work, and khaki pants.

~0~0~0

And here we are, my magical hell hole of forced conversation and minimum wage. My job at a nearby grocery store. It's not a bad place to work, and people sure are friendly, but that's the problem. People. I hate talking in person, and I have trouble just interacting in general, making it probably the worst job for me ever. But it's the only place that was hiring when I was looking, and at least I get payed.

I cross my fingers every time someone comes to my checkout lane that they won't say anything. Usually, they do.

I check in, put on my nametag - "Karkat Vantas", and in smaller print, "Cashier" – and head out into the store. Even at 8 am on a Saturday, the store has a lot of people crawling all over. I get to my assigned lane, number 5, and turn on the little green light to let customers know that I'm open.

A few minutes later, off to the side I hear a strange voice. I look at the body it's coming from. _Fuck shit no shit uh fuck fuck fuck no why_

It's Gamzee. There's no _fucking_ way. Quickly, I unpin my nametag and tuck it into my pocket. I look down, hoping he won't come over here.

He does.

I just look at his stuff as I scan it, never looking up.

"Hey, how are you doin' today?" he asks. Shit. His voice is…shit. Perfect. Fuck, Karkat, talk, say something.

"Good thanks, and you?" I mumble back at him, still not looking at him. I bag his last item, grape Faygo.

He swipes his card, "Great!" he replies.

He takes his bags and leaves towards the door. I see him pause. There's a girl walking in, with long brown hair, one side shaved in the front. He's looking down.

"Gamzee." the girl says. Who is this?

He looks up like he hadn't noticed her and says, "Oh! Hey, Tav…"

Tav?

She closes the distance between them, grabs his face and kisses him.

I'm shocked.

He pulls away. "Tavros…"

"Gamzee, I love you." she says.

I can't handle this. I look away. Luckily there's another customer. Their voices are just white noise as I take care of this woman.

Once finished, I see this "Tavros" taking Gamzee's hand and pulling him out of the store.

~0~0~0

I get home from work 4 hours later.

I turn the key in the apartment door, slip off my shoes, and fall onto the couch. I get that great falling feeling, do you know what I mean? It's like if you just stand on the arm of a couch, one long enough for your body, and let yourself fall. Your heartbeat quickens for that second until you realize you were safe the whole time.

I like that feeling.

I lay there, thinking. Thinking about Gamzee. His voice is just…hard to handle. Just the little things about him that I noticed…he's perfect. The way he greeted me, how his voice sounded, the purple band t-shirt he was wearing. I didn't quite catch what band it was.

And then I think about Tavros. Who is she? And why did she kiss Gamzee? Maybe she's Gamzee's girlfriend.

No, Gamzee wouldn't cheat on me.

Well…maybe he thinks just 'cause we're online, he can date whoever in real life. That's understandable. He deserves to have someone to physically hold.

But why would he do that? Doesn't he love me? Am I not enough?

I'm not. I'm worthless. Even my "boyfriend" doesn't think I'm enough. He's probably had this girlfriend for a long time, and he's just messing around with me, talking on Trollian.

Why do I do this to myself?

Because I deserve it. I'm terrible, and ugly, and nobody will ever _truly_ love me.

I wipe a tear from my cheek and go into the bathroom, opening the cabinet, like this morning.

I take the blade down and set it on the counter. I stare at it. _Why shouldn't I?_

**~0~0~0**

**Bit of a cliffhanger?**

**Yeah. Don't hate.**

**ADSdsfdugjcifvjtrk this is pretty short but here at least it hasn't been as long since I updated last.**

**-Samurai**


	4. Gamzee!

**Alrighty! Hello fellow readers.**

**Let's just get right down to business here.**

**~0~0~0**

Gamzee

Our relationship wasn't all that great from the start, to be honest.

I mean, of course, I loved Tavros. I really did. She was important to me, and my 1st real girlfriend. We were okay in the beginning, like any relationship. But there seemed to be some sort of tenseness between us, a kind of awkwardness.

Both of us just ignored it.

We met when we were 14, back in 9th grade. We had this required cooking class together, and she and I were in the same assigned kitchen area.

I don't remember how I feel in love. It just…happened. And then it turned out Tavros had her eye on another guy. That guy had his eyes on her too. She still liked me; she was just confused about it all. She wasn't sure who to pick. It was a stupid storybook love triangle.

I was supportive of her throughout the whole decision making time, of course I would be, I was her boyfriend!

But in the end, she didn't choose me. It's like they say, "If you fall in love with a second person, you weren't really in love with the first person," or something like that. I don't quite remember. But you understand what I'm saying, right?

It really was a tough time. Y'know, she was my first love. And thinking about how she was reconsidering me completely, it broke my heart a little. I never really thought about it at the time, only after we were done did I contemplate that.

Nonetheless, while we were still together, I was broken.

Yet, I held on to the chance she might pick me, that she might still want me.

It was stupid. Puppy love. In a sense.

That was around when I had gotten a pesterchum, maybe a month before we broke up. It was springtime, and I had just discovered it.

I made pretty good friends with this guy named Cal. When we wanted to meet up, though, he didn't show up. I don't know what happened to him. He messaged me a few more times after that, and that was basically the end.

3 months later, I found Karkat.

It was great, finding someone I thought I could connect to. I don't know why I thought that, but from the start I knew it was gonna be awesome.

I remember the day he told me he loved me.

I had sorta kinda liked him for a while, but I wasn't really sure yet. We really hadn't been talking for very long. Sometimes purposely, sometimes just 'cause, I'd try to flirt with him a little bit. See his reaction. He didn't even know how to respond to most of it. I'm sure he saw it as flirting, although maybe thought It was unintentional. He just couldn't flirt back.

I mean, back then, I had thought he didn't like me like that _at all_. One day, I decided to send him a picture of myself. I tried to be nonchalantly provocative, not too obvious, but hey, if I was going to get him to like me, it was one way or another, right?

He told me I looked really cool and awesome and then signed off and 'went to bed'.

He wasn't online for two days after that.

I thought maybe he hated me for sending that, for whatever reason. I don't know.

But that's when he told me.

He didn't say he _loved _me. That's another story.

But he then told me he liked me. And I was all for this relationship.

How slowly he was responding to me that day, it was like he was searching for just the right words, shaking as he typed, causing spelling mistakes that he'd have to fix. He wanted to be perfect for me.

CG: HEY, GAMZEE?

TC: yEaH mAn?

CG: CAN YOU STOP TYPING LIKE THAT FOR MAYBE ONE OR TWO MINUTES

CG: THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS

TC: ThEn YoU sToP uSiNg CaPs, ToO

CG: Fine.

TC: Great. What's up, motherfucker?

CG: I

CG: I need to tell you something

CG: And you have to promise to still be my friend and all afterwards, okay?

TC: Of-motherfucking-course I will still be your friend. No matter what, bro.

TC: Honk :o)

CG: Yeah, okay

CG: I think

CG: I think I like you

TC: Wow, motherfucking really? I thought you hated me, and that's why we talk almost every day.

CG: That sentence is dripping with sarcasm, isn't it?

CG: No.

CG: I mean

CG: I think I have a crush on you

TC: Wait

TC: Are you motherfucking serious?

CG: Yes.

CG: That's why I made you promise to still be my friend.

CG: I can't help feeling like this, Gamzee.

CG: I'm sorry, but since maybe a month ago, I started /noticing/ the things you say to me, and I know you never try, but whenever it's something somewhat flirty sounding, I feel my face get all hot

CG: And I never know how to respond

CG: Because I've never flirted before

CG: And it's not even flirting.

CG: I'm not even fucking gay, Gamzee.

CG: It's just you.

CG: And now that I've poured my heart out like some schoolgirl

CG: I think I just have to wait for you to tell me off

CG: And I'll go take a nice long shower and nap.

TC: Tell you off?

TC: You think I would let this friendship go?

TC: To let this motherfucking friendship—no, this relationship—go, I could never

TC: I /do/ say flirty things to you

TC: On. Motherfucking. Purpose.

TC: I like you too, Karkat.

TC: A lot.

TC: I was scared you hated me for some reason after I sent you that picture

TC: I didn't know what to do, I thought I fucked it up and lost you

TC: Karkat?

CG: Yeah?

TC: I have two questions for you though.

CG: Okay…

TC: 1 is if I can honestly ask you what you thought of me when you finally saw me

CG: Well

CG: I don't know what I expected

CG: But it was

CG: Fuck it I'm not saying this

TC: Oh, CoMe On

CG: GAMZEE

TC: Oops, I let that slip.

TC: Just tell me. Then we can get to question number 2

CG: I already said I poured my heart out like a little schoolgirl

CG: I'm not going back to that

TC: I'm not judging you

TC: I know your personality well enough

TC: I know there's a tender side somewhere there

TC: *poke poke*

CG: Goddamn it, Gamzee

CG: Fuck it

CG: I thought you were really fucking hot

CG: And I didn't know how to handle it or myself

CG: So I just stayed away from pesterchum until know

CG: Because I didn't want this to happen

CG: I thought it would go much worse than this

CG: But here we are

CG: And I fucking said it

CG: Fuck me

TC: GlAdLy

TC: And question number 2

TC: What the motherfuck this whole conversation feels so weird

TC: Not typing how I do

TC: But this is for you

TC: Here we go

TC: I know we only really talk over the internet and all, but…

TC: Will you be my boyfriend, Karkat?

It took him a long time to respond. I thought I scared him away. I wasn't sure what to do, so I just waited, staring at the screen. Hoping for him to respond, to say yes.

CG: YES.

And that was basically that. Who even knows what we talked about these whole 8 months or so. I just know that I absolutely fell in love with him. Every word he said. Everything he did that he told me about. I just know, he's right.

~0~0~0

**Welp. Hope you enjoyed this short quip looking into Gamzee's history and things.**

**Back to Karkat in the next update, I swear.**

**-Samurai**


	5. Karkat, are you okay?

**Sorry it's taken me so long to update, guys! Maybe the suspense makes it better? Nah, you guys probably hate me a little bit**

**ANYhow**

_**SELF HARM TRIGGER WARNING**_

**~0~0~0**

Karkat

_There it is…_

I continued to stare at my blade. There's so much I could to with this.

I pick it up.

_Is it really worth it, in the end?_

Fuck this.

I roll up my sleeve, hold the blade to my skin.

One slash, that's all. That's all I need.

Would Gamzee really do that to me? _No__…Yes._

Just that small movement. The release is practically immediate.

I start laughing, almost hysterically.

_Two more._

_Five._

_Eight._

_Fourteen._

_Twenty._

**Stop.**

That's it. No more. Gamzee is here for you, Karkat. Go talk to him. You know you should.

No.

Go to bed, sleep it off. You're okay. Everything's not okay.

~0~0~0

I wake up the next morning, my arm sore. Shit. I did it, didn't I?

I look at the damage.

There's dried blood on the inside of my sleeve, although it's barely visible, seeing as it's a black shirt. There's some on my sheets too. It's smeared and clotted all over my arm where the cuts themselves are.

Oh well.

What day is today? Do I have to go into work?

I check the alarm clock on my nightstand.

_Tuesday. 7:30 am._ Ugh.

I get up, taking out the first aid kit. I know I'm not bleeding, but I need something to cover it up. I get out the bandage roll, rolling it multiple times all around my arm. I tape the end, putting on a new shirt and going to check my weight in the bathroom again.

I step out of my room only to see Kankri with folded arms in front of the door.

I mentally pray he won't say anything. Maybe I can beat him to it.

"Sorry, Kankri but I gotta go get ready so I can get to work on time! You know how it is, I can't be late," I laugh nervously a bit and pass him to run into the bathroom before he has a chance to let words flow out of his open mouth.

I quickly shut the door behind me and lock it, sighing. I go over to the scale and hesitantly step on it. _125._ Lost a pound, huh?

I step off, watching the scale go back down to zero.

I rummage through the drawers for some toothpaste and grab my toothbrush. I won't have time for breakfast anyways so it doesn't matter if I brush before I would normally eat.

I face the door after cleaning myself up a bit more. I pull my sleeves down so just the top half of my fingers can be seen. I reach out and slowly open the door, hoping Kankri won't be there again.

He's not, and he's probably gone to his work. _Phew._

I trudge out the door, grabbing my nametag and keys as I go.

**~0~0~0**

**Alrighty, sorry this is so short, everyone! BUT I have a few things to say, so please actually read this maybe? Hahaha**

**So firstly, I'm here to let you know that I'm writing a new chapter like right after I put this one up, and it should be up later tonight or possibly tomorrow morning! So don't freak out 'cause I'm a bad author and kinda got a writer block as far as Karkat goes. We'll get there.**

**Secondly, I sorta realized a week or two ago that in my writing I tend to (not even on purpose) make a certain theme or a general part of the writing in relation to something I'm going through, or something I've done, someone I know, things like that. I decided it might be cool if I would write a fic for the OTP of whoever guesses what that thing in **_**this**_** fic is! It can be an actual long fic, a smutty oneshot, whatever you like~ Anyhow, this particular thing is something that I've done and something someone has said/done to me. Guess which chapter AND the "theme" if you can! I'll continuously give you hints~ **

**-Samurai**


	6. Meeting Up?

**AND we're back.**

**See, that didn't take very long, eh?**

**~0~0~0**

Gamzee

The phone rings. It's too early for this.

I roll over to check the clock. 10 o'clock on the spot. Goddammit. Okay, maybe it's not too early.

I sit up and reach for the phone. The caller ID isn't one at all. Just the number, one I don't recognize.

I pick it up just in case.

"Hello?" I say, sounding more tired than I wanted.

"What are your plans for today, sleepyhead?" A too-familiar female voice says on the other line. How did she even get this number?

"Don't call me sleepyhead. And I have school, okay? Which, speaking of, I need to be getting ready for seeing as I'm very late. I skipped yesterday, I really should be going. Don't you have school too?" I reply, getting up and one-handedly attempting to get dressed.

"No, I decided to get homeschooled after I switched schools a bit after we broke up. I can do whatever I want, as long as I can pass the state standards! And I can. So I'm pretty much free all the time." She says in an irritatingly chipper voice.

"Well that's great, but I gotta go." I say, hanging up. I am not in the mood for that this morning. I can't believe I slept in.

I hurriedly get everything together and don't bother with eating breakfast as I rush out the door and jump in the car.

Once at school, I sit in the car and call in my first hour absence before walking in.

~0~0~0

Throughout the day I think about Karkat and Tavros and how much I want Tavros out of my life now because I feel like she's interfering with me and Karkat. Even if she isn't really, I feel like she'll be a great problem eventually. She's gonna be a pain in the ass.

I don't really think she regrets dumping me, she's just lonely and thinks she can take me back just because I was so heartbroken over her stupidity before.

But she's wrong. Karkat is my world now.

~0~0~0

Later that night, I message Karkat to see how he's doing.

terminallyCapricious [TC] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TC: HeY kArKaT, hOw ArE yOu?

CG: I

CG: I DON'T KNOW, GAMZEE

TC: WoAh, BrO, wHaT's wRoNg?

CG: I JUST

CG: IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN, OKAY?

CG: BUT I KIND OF FEEL LIKE I NEED TO SEE YOU

TC: WeLl, YoU sTiLl HaVe ThAt PiCtUrE oF mE, rIgHt?

CG: I MEAN PHYSICALLY.

CG: BUT AT THE SAME TIME I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT

CG: IM NOT READY TO MEET YOU

CG: BUT I STILL WANT TO SEE YOU

CG: TO TOUCH YOU AND FOR YOU TO BE REAL

CG: IN FRONT OF ME

TC: ItS nOt EaSy To AsK

TC: bUt If YoU cAn FiNd A wAy To GeT tHe CoNfIdEnCe

TC: I cAn FiNd A wAy To Up AnD mOtHeRfUcKiN gEt To YoU

TC: wHeReVeR yOu WaNt To MeEt

TC: ToMoRrOw MoRnInG

TC: i'Ll Be ThErE

CG: BUT I WANT TO SEE YOU NOW

CG: NO

CG: I NEED TO SEE YOU NOW

CG: GAMZEE PLEASE

TC: aRe YoU sUrE?

CG: YES AND NO

CG: BUT HONESTLY YES

CG: WHERE CAN WE EVEN MEET

CG: WE LIVE CLOSE

CG: BUT HOW CLOSE EXACTLY

TC: i DoNt KnOw BuT i CaN jUsT gIvE yOu My AdDrEsS

CG: BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR IF I KNOW YOUR ADDRESS BUT YOU DON'T KNOW MINE BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO GIVE YOU MY ADDRESS

CG: MAYBE I CAN JUST GIVE YOU THE ADDRESS OF A NEARBY STORE OR RESTAURANT OR PARK

CG: BUT I'M NOT REALLY SURE WHAT'S OPEN AT 9:30 EVEN

TC: yOu ChOoSe AnD iLl Be ThErE, lIkE i SaId

CG: FUCK

CG: UH, THERE'S A CAFÉ NEARBY

CG: LET ME FIND THE ADDRESS

~0~0~0

And that's how I ended up sitting in that same café as yesterday, sipping on water and waiting for Karkat. I've been sitting here for 10 minutes. I check my phone for any pesterchum messages from him.

Nothing.

I'll wait here all night if I have to.

I'm so tired.

I put my head down on the table, sighing softly.

All of a sudden there's a slight tap on my shoulder.

I snap my head up, immediately standing up and hugging the smaller boy in front of me.

He hesitates before wrapping his arms around me too, although very lightly. We stand like this for a while, and I still haven't seen his face.

I slowly let go and he backs up to sit down across from me at the small table.

I finally get a good look at his face.

He looks tired. Broken.

But beautiful.

He really is. I don't understand why he's so self-conscious if he's so good-looking. I feel bad for him, that he can't see that in himself. I certainly can.

I don't even know what to say, so I don't.

I just stare at him.

After a while he shys away and mumbles something about me staring.

"I'm sorry, I just," I say, not sure how to put it into words. "I love you, Karkat, holy shit…"

He stares at me for a second. "What?" he says, and wow is voice is just…more than you expected. It's not deep but it's not high and it's just so simple but so good to hear.

"I said, I love you. You-" I pause, not even knowing what I'm trying to say. "You're more than I could ever ask for. You always spoke so low of yourself, or rather, you didn't really speak at all. And now you're here, in front of me, and…and you're no less attractive than I expected. In fact, you're way more attractive than I expected. And I don't even _know_ what I expected, I'll be honest. You're just…perfect."

You spit it all out. Everything you thought since the moment you actually saw him.

"Gamzee…" And oh the way he says your name. It hurts a little bit, who even knew you could be so in love. "Are you fucking me?"

"I'd like to." _Shit shit that's probably not the best thing to say; "_I mean…I'm sorry that's not what I meant to say. No, I'm not. You are, in my mind, exactly what I just said."

You can see his eyes glisten like he's about to cry. He holds it back well enough.

"You really think I'm perfect?" Karkat asks.

~0

I feel a tap on my shoulder, pulling me out of a sleepy reverie.

I snap my head up, expecting to see Karkat and getting ready to hold him tight.

But it's one of the people working at the café.

"Sorry buddy, but I'm about to close up shop."

"Oh, sorry, I'll just be leaving then," I say, standing up and putting my jacket on.

He takes my water cup and goes back to finish cleaning up as I leave.

When I walk outside I look for a nearby bench or something for me to sit and wait on in case Karkat comes.

I take out my phone again to look for any messages. None.

I end up sitting on the curb, looking up and down the street and sidewalk.

After another 3 minutes, I feel like I'm literally about to fall asleep and check for messages once again. Nothing.

I send one to Karkat.

terminallyCapricious [TC] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TC: hEy BrO aRe YoU cOmInG?

_No response for a minute._

CG: I'M SORRY GAMZEE

CG: I GUESS I'M JUST NOT ACTUALLY READY FOR THIS.

TC: nAh DoNt AlL uP aNd ApOlOgIzE

TC: iF yOu ArEnT rEaDy ThEn YoU aReNt ReAdY

CG: YEAH WELL

CG: THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING THEN

CG: TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DAY?

TC: oF cOuRsE

_And I tell him as I begin walking home._

~0~0~0

TC: aNd ThEn I sTaRtEd MeSsAgInG yOu AnD hErE wE aRe, RiGhT?

CG: WELL THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN AND ALL

CG: IF YOU REALLY WANTED TO KNOW MY DAY I'D LOVE TO TELL YOU

CG: BUT I THINK I SHOULD BE GETTING SOME SLEEP, SORRY

TC: nAh YoU dOnT gOtTa Up AnD aPoLoGiZe

TC: YoU cAn TeLl Me AbOuT yOuR dAy ToMoRrOw AnD iLl Be AlL eArS

CG: THANK YOU GAMZEE

CG: I LOVE YOU

CG: GOODNIGHT

TC: lOvE yOu ToO bRo

TC: GoOdNiGhT

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering terminallyCapricious [TC]

Well, baby steps. You almost met Karkat. You will soon.

It's been a long wait, and you'll finally be able to see his beautiful face. It may not be like what you dreamed at the café, but it's sure gonna be perfect, no matter what he thinks.

**~0~0~0**

**Well, I hope this update is enjoyable!**

**I will most likely be updating again within the next week, but don't hold that against me, as you can probably tell I have update trouble like that. *Sigh***

**Anyhow, any guesses for my relation yet? PM me or review along with your guess c:**

**-Samurai**


	7. The same fucking place, really?

**Aha! I attempted to get it updated this week, and ta-da!**

**And for whatever reason, I made it "pestering" instead of "trolling" but I don't think you guys really noticed…oops ^^**

**~0~0~0**

Karkat

I just can't do it. Not now. I love Gamzee, I really do…but I'm just not ready.

I thought I was.

I found a place to meet.

I walked by.

He was there.

But I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I'm sorry.

He seemed to be okay while telling me about his day and all.

I always seem to end our conversations by saying I need sleep.

It's true; I don't sleep much. But I feel like he thinks I'm just trying to leave the conversation when I'm really not. I was so close to seeing his face right in front of me, maybe getting to touch him, but the thing I look forward to the most when I meet him is his voice.

I have a weird thing for voices. It's a bit hard to explain. But when I heard his while I was working on Monday, God help me I was about to die.

Maybe if I just _do_ it. Face my fear. See him.

Maybe we can work it out.

Maybe I've been wrong, and Gamzee doesn't even like this "Tavros" and he likes me for who I am and not the way I look and we can be together and be happy.

Maybe.

I wish. If it were that easy, it would've happened a long time ago. I want to meet Gamzee. I need him in my life, physically. I just feel unprepared for whatever reason.

~0~0~0

As I stand at work on a slow Wednesday, I think about Gamzee. Does he go to school? If so, why was he here on Monday at that time of day? Maybe he was just skipping? I don't know.

He's really attractive.

Goddamn.

I just need to do it. I know.

It'll happen soon, I just don't know _how._

I want him to hold me as I sleep, and I want him to kiss my forehead and tell me it's okay, and I want to hold hands with him and feel him there with me to help me and comfort me and take care of me. I just…need him.

I really do.

I really do need to get over this so-called fear. I'm just being stupid about it, and we both know I do need him. Well, he does now.

I wish I wasn't so stupid, and I wish I felt good enough to meet him.

He's so close, but yet so far.

~0~0~0

When I get home from work, I see a note on the kitchen table, most likely from Kankri.

_I'll be gone for a week or so, I left money for you in case of emergency, but we're pretty well-stocked here. Sorry I'm leaving without much warning, but you know how to contact me._

Well. Okay then.

I sit down in my computer chair and log in to Trollian.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

CG: HEY GAMZEE

TC: HeY mOtHeRfUcKeR

CG: I'M SORRY ABOUT NOT SHOWING UP YESTERDAY

TC: hEy, LiKe I sAiD, iF a MoThErFuCkEr AiN't ReAdY, tHeN a MoThErFuCkEr AiN't ReAdY

CG: WELL

CG: I STILL FEEL LIKE I NEED YOU

CG: BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO GO ABOUT DOING IT IF IM STILL SO AFRAID OF MEETING YOU

TC: wElL wHaT eXaCtLy Is It ThAtS hOlDiNg YoU bAcK?

CG: EVERYTHING ABOUT ME

CG: I'M SORRY, BUT I JUST DON'T SEE MYSELF AS WORTH ANYTHING MUCH

CG: I KNOW YOU'VE SAID BEFORE THAT YOU WOULD NEVER JUDGE ME OR ANYTHING

CG: BUT I CAN'T SHAKE THE FEELING

CG: I'M TOO SELF-CONSCIOUS

TC: iS tHeRe AnY wAy I cAn HeLp YoU tO gEt MoRe CoNfIdEnT?

TC: i JuSt CaRe AbOuT yOu, BrO

CG: THAT'S THE PROBLEM

CG: I HAVE NO IDEA EITHER

CG: I WANT TO BE CONFIDENT

CG: I JUST CAN'T FIND IT IN ME

CG: I FEEL LIKE IF I JUST MET YOU

CG: FACED THE FEAR

CG: JUST GOT IT DONE AND OVER WITH

CG: THEN MAYBE

CG: YOU'D BE ABLE TO SEE ME AND I COULD SEE YOU AND YOU CAN JUDGE ME HOWEVER YOU LIKE

CG: AND THEN I'D KNOW

CG: AND MAYBE

CG: I DON'T KNOW

TC: wE cAn StIlL mEeT uP, yOu KnOw

TC: I'm FrEe WhEnEvEr

TC: AnD i WoUlD nEvEr JuDgE yOu BaDlY

TC: tHaTs A mOtHeRfUcKiN pRoMiSe

TC: PlEaSe BeLiEvE mE

CG: I DO, I PROMISE I DO

CG: I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET MYSELF TO GO

CG: MAYBE YOU COULD EVEN JUST COME HERE

CG: NO ONE'S HERE TO TAKE CARE OF ME RIGHT NOW OR ANYTHING

CG: OR YOU COULD PICK ME UP AND WE CAN GO TO YOUR PLACE

CG: WHATEVER WOULD WORK

CG: BUT I THINK YOU'D HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO MOTIVATE ME

TC: i CaN dO tHaT

TC: jUsT tElL mE wHeN aNd WhErE

TC: YoU cAn CoMe BaCk To My PlAcE

TC: hOw AbOuT iT?

I hesitate before responding. Do I really want to see him _now?_ Of course I do. I know I just said he needs to be the one to motivate me to meet him, otherwise I won't end up being able to do it. So obviously if I'm second-guessing it, he needs to be motivating me.

CG: YES

I proceed to tell him my address and apartment number and he says he'll be right over.

I can't believe this is actually happening. I'm going to meet Gamzee.

Today.

Tonight.

Right now.

He's on his way.

_Gamzee._

I put on the best-looking and cleanest clothes I have. This has to be good.

Much sooner than I thought, there's a slight knock on the door.

I scream a bit internally, and walk to the door.

I look out the little peephole and sure enough, there he is.

_Oh my god._

I unlock the door and he rushes in to pull me into the tightest, strongest, biggest, and best hug ever.

It surprises me, but I wrap my arms around him just the same.

Eventually he pulls away from the embrace and looks me over. Mostly staring at my face, which is full of tears.

_Gamzee._

He wipes away one, whispering a "Don't cry," In that voice of his.

He kisses my forehead and wipes another tear away.

"Karkat…you…"He starts.

I just look at him.

"I…" I say sort of questioningly, but it doesn't quite come out. You know that sort of choked feeling you get when you try to say something while you're crying? It was like that. My voice was unbelievably quiet, but he understood.

"You're perfect." He says plainly, that somewhat rough voice oh-so soft as he looks me right in the eyes.

I feel myself blush deeply, and break the eye contact by looking down at my feet.

"C'mon," he says, taking my hand and pulling my out the door. I grab my keys of the rack nearby and lock the door behind me. "I don't live very far," he says as we get on the elevator.

He hits the 5th floor button. Shouldn't we be going down, not up?

That's weird. I don't question it though, but I start to understand when we get there.

We live in the same fucking apartment building.

**~0~0~0**

**Well hey, didn't do terrible on the updates, right?**

**Next one should be out soonish, but I sort of say that every time.**

**Also, I have a question (although I ya'll probably don't read these, why would you): I can end it within the next few chapters (1, 2, maybbeeeee 3), or I can go on and make it like way longer. What would you like me to do?**

**-Samurai**


	8. Wink Wonk

**Alrighty! Ya'll seemed to really love that last chapter! And I've decided to go with the majority and make this longer! **

**Yay ^.^**

**Probably gonna be some NSFW in this chapter, just a warnin' here.**

**~0~0~0**

Gamzee

I can't believe it.

Karkat has been living in this apartment building for how long? Probably as long as we've been talking, or he would've told me about moving.

We could've passed each other once or twice without even knowing.

I don't say anything, I'll just let him freak out a bit when he figures it out for himself.

I wait two minutes, then go down two floors and find his door.

I take a few deep breaths, then knock once lightly.

He comes to the door quickly and the second he opens it, I step forward and hug him tightly, without even looking at him. I just hug him tight. He's skinny. Why is he so self-conscious? Does he have body dysmorphic problems? I have to find a way to help him.

He hugs me back, but eventually I let go and get a good look at him.

_Karkat._

His face is full of tears.

I reach to wipe away one and whisper, "Don't cry,"

I kiss his forehead and instinctively wipe away another tear.

"Karkat…you…" I don't even know what to say, so I trail off and just look at him.

He looks at me and sort of quizzically prompts me with, "I…" His voice is a bit choked up from crying, but I understand anyways.

"You're perfect." I say. I look into his eyes, and just like he said, they're a beautiful shade of ice blue or light gray or I don't know but they're…beautiful.

He blushes cutely and looks down shyly at his feet.

"C'mon," I say, and hold my hand out for him to take. I pull him out the door and he locks it behind him. "I don't live very far." I say, smiling to myself.

We get into the elevator, and I hit my floor. 5.

He has a second of confusion showing on his face, but it goes away and when we get to the floor, his eyes widen a bit. He figured it out.

"You're shitting me." He says quietly. His voice is so cute, and there's just the _slightest_ lisp.

"Nope," I say, and smile at him.

I lead him to my apartment and as we step in, say "Welcome to my humble abode. I live here all by myself," He looks at me a little funny, "I have an interesting situation, but I like it here so all's well."

He grins just the tiniest bit. "Make yourself comfortable," I say, gesturing to the couch in my small living room. He sits down and stretches a bit. "Do you want some tea? I'm making some, but we also got some juice, pop, and water here. Anything?"

He debates the choices for a second before answering, "I'll have tea, too!"

Cute. Ugh.

~0~0~0

"So, what do you think of me?" Karkat asks, looking down into his cup.

"Ah," I start, "I think you're wonderful. You're perfect. You were so self-conscious of your weight, and I took it to be in a sense of 'too big', were you self-conscious because you think you're too thin?" I ask, hoping such a question won't upset him. I'm not sure how sensitive he'll be to stuff like that.

"No, it's always been in a sense of being too big. I used to be bullied for it. I began losing weight years ago, before I dropped out of school. Now I still have that mindset, because it's all I've known. I still feel fat a lot of the time." He explains, and has a sad look on his face.

"Kar, I'm so sorry to hear you had to experience that. I know what it's like, and it's terrible. And all the worse to hear it still affects you. I don't want you to have to go through that, and if there's _anything_ I can do to help, please tell me."

"I'm not sure yet, just do what you think is right, I guess. I don't really see how I can get much help right now. But can we talk about that later? I know most stuff about you, but what don't I know? And I know I don't really talk about myself either, so…" He sort of trails off, looking at me to pick up.

"Well…I'm not quite sure what I can really say! You know almost everything," I chuckle. "Well, I'm still in high school and I'm a straight "B" student, last time I checked my grades. I live here by alone, get money from my family to sustain myself, and I like long walks in the park and watching the sunset."

He smiles at that. "And what about you, huh? Tell me everything," I prompted, taking a sip of tea.

"Hm, I don't know if you really want to hear about it, it's a bit depressing I'll admit." He warned, smirking in that sad sort of way.

I shook my head, "Anything's fine, and I'm sure it's nice to get it out too. I want to know anything and everything about you. I care."

"Alright. See, as I said, I was bullied for being too fat, sending me into a bit of depression and an eating disorder, but I don't like calling it that. It just sounds bad and – although stereotypical—girly. Not girly, but you understand what I mean, right? Boys shouldn't have eating disorders. Anyhow, I started self-harming a few years ago and everything's been a struggle for me. I dropped out of school this year, a month into it all. I live with my brother, Kankri. I barely even see him, but he's a little insane and overly talkative so I tend to avoid him anyways. He's gone wherever the fuck right now, and I have no idea when he'll be back. Good for me, though. I work at the grocery store in town, and I saw you there Monday but I was too nervous to say anything, obviously."

He rambles—no, rambles sounds bad; talks—for a while longer, and his voice is almost soothing to me as he tells me about his everyday life, and certain things in the past, funny stories, sad stories, everything I would've ever asked about.

I ask to see his self-harm. I'm curious, but I understand how private that is.

He sighs sadly and nods, pulling up his sleeve.

There are white raised scars all over his left arm, and fresher cuts right at his wrist, trailing down just a bit.

I lift my hand, hovering over his arm, and look at his face, asking for approval.

He nods again, and I gently run my fingers across his scarred and cut flesh.

I lower my lips to his wrist and place the gentlest kiss on the newest cuts, and kiss all the way up, on every patch of cuts I see.

When I look back to him, he's blushing, smiling slightly.

I wish I could've taken that pain for him, taken it away. No one should ever feel like that, especially not someone like Karkat.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper, barely breaking the silence as I reach over to hug him.

~0~0~0

Later, when we're both in a much happier mood, eating dinner (I watch him carefully to check for any sort of eating disordered habits), he makes some sort of joke and we both laugh over it for a while, and when it finally dies down, I put down my fork and look him in the eyes.

They're beautiful, have I mentioned? I know it's a bit weird to say beautiful and pretty and things like that to a guy, but I can't help myself, I don't know how else to describe the things about him.

The ice gray pierces into my purple-blue eyes, and almost on accident I blurt out, "I love you."

I know we've been dating for, what, 10 months? But I feel like it's a bit too soon, and we've only just met in person, but I couldn't stop myself. That doesn't mean I don't mean it, of course I do. I just feel like it might make it awkward, like he won't say it back. I know he sort of confessed is total love for me after we'd been dating for a while, but that was so long ago, what if he's changed his mind, and he isn't sure? What if he was just saying that? I shouldn't be so insecure, but it's _Karkat._

I'm wrong.

Almost immediately, he says it right back, "I love you too, Gamzee."

~0~0~0

After everything's cleaned up from dinner, we sit down to watch a movie, snuggling together on my comfily broken-in couch.

I don't pay much attention to the movie, some rom-com we found on TV that he wanted to watch with me. I pay attention to the cutest thing ever, sitting in my arms and talking to the characters in the movie, eyes widening at the best parts, and almost crying at the end.

Once it's over and the credits start to play, I turn off the TV and look down at him again. I press a kiss to his forehead, and he turns towards me.

Unexpectedly, he pushes my shoulders down, and positions himself so that he's straddling my waist, leaning down to kiss me.

I, shocked, hesitate before kissing back. He trails his finger up my stomach, chest, neck, then reaches around to thread his fingers in the hair at the nape of my neck.

I lick at his lips, asking for entrance, and he lets me in. I explore his mouth and he lets out soft, muffled moans.

He moves his other hand down to the bottom of my t-shirt and pulls it up and off, breaking the kiss momentarily.

He moves his mouth down to my neck and bites and licks and sucks and it's the most amazing I've felt in a long time; I feel loved mentally and physically.

After a while I sweep Karkat up in my arms and carry him into the bedroom, laying him down on my bed. I do the same to him, pulling off his shirt and kissing down his neck. I make my way down to his stomach and tug at the waistband of his pants, looking up to him to see him nodding.

I unbutton and swiftly pull them off, then take off my own, moving back up to kiss him sweetly.

I kiss around on his face multiple times, and grind into him, creating the friction we both want, though still hidden in our boxers.

I smirk as I grind against him again, and move down, keeping my lustful eyes locked with his.

I pull down his boxers and he gasps, the rush of air was surprising I assume.

**~0~0~0**

**And then there where sexytimes**

**I'm not sure if ya'll are really in to the wHOLE smut dealio, but I'm sorta just not feelin' it right now, you know? I'll still write it fully (from Karkat's POV) if you'd like me to, so review with your opinion, otherwise I'll just move on with plot and things.**

**Also, coming up either in the next chapter or chapter 10, iTS PLOT TWIST TIME**

**so be prepared if it's next chapter**

**anyhow, hope you liked it, hope it's long enough and all!**

**(but srsly please tell me if you want it to be legit smut cause I'll do it)**

**-Samurai**


	9. Sex? whoa

**Goodness, ya'll just here for the sex?**

**Hahaha, that's what I'm here to give you though, just what you want~**

**So basically this is a short chapter dedicated strictly to the smut. AKA warning, NSFW**

**Just to satisfy your needs before I go places with this**

**~0~0~0**

Karkat

Wow that movie was great. Sure, I've seen it a thousand times, but that doesn't change my opinion. Gamzee turns off the TV as the credits roll, and he looks down at me as I look up at him. He presses a soft kiss to my forehead.

That's it. Here we go.

I turn towards him, and push his shoulders down, so he's laying on the couch in the perfect position. I get on top, putting my knees down on either side of his waist, and I can feel his already growing erection. He knows what's coming.

I wink at him, but it gets lost in the darkness and I quickly lean down to kiss him passionately. I think he's shocked, because it takes him a moment to kiss back, but oh when he does…

I take my index finger and slowly tease him as I trail it up his body, then entangle my right hand in his soft hair.

Suddenly I feel him licking at my lips, and I open mine. His tongue enters my mouth and he's probably just the best kisser ever. I try to hold it in, but I end up letting out moans, half muffled by his intruding tongue. I blush, and hope he can't tell in the darkness.

I move the hand that's not gripping his hair down to the bottom edge of his shirt and pull it off, taking a good breath of air before going back to it. I end up trailing my mouth down to his neck, biting softly and sucking at his skin.

After a while, he picks me up bridal-style and carries me into the bedroom. I huff at him, but he's just smiling like an idiot.

He lays me down on his bed and gets on top of me, taking off my shirt and kissing down my neck, like I did to him.

His mouth is like magic as he gets all the way down my chest, to my stomach, then reaches to tug at the waistband of my pants, and I'm already nodding at him to take them off before he looks up. He unbuttons and pulls them off, throwing them aside before dealing with his own.

He moves back to match my body length, pressing a sweet kiss as he grinds against me hard. I didn't think my body would have such a reaction, but it's immediate, I can feel heat rushing lower in my body, and I close my eyes, moaning internally. I try to keep my sounds in, seeing as it's a point of insecurity, like what if it sounds bad or something? I don't want him turned off…

He does it again, and I open my eyes to see him moving down again, his eyes locking on mine, looking deep purple in the moonlight.

He pulls down my boxers and I gasp at the cold air. I look away from my embarrassing body, and from Gamzee's face.

He takes my hand in his, and squeezes it. I look back at him just as he dips down and licks from the base of my boner to the tip, causing me to arch my back and quickly bite my hand so I don't make any noise.

He licks around the tip, and I grasp the sheets, I haven't felt like this…ever.

He starts bobbing his head, taking more of me in each time he goes down. He looks up and notices me struggling to keep my mouth shut and my back against the bed, and stops sucking, coming off with a bit of a "pop".

"I want to hear you," He requests, and just at that, those words, his voice, I moan.

He smirks at me and begins his work again, and I feel like such a mess, letting out my moans and gasps as he sucks and licks and grazes his teeth everywhere. He reaches his hand up to grab mine, guiding it from the tight grip on the sheets to a tight grip in his hair.

I can feel myself getting close and I try to warn him between moans but he ignores it and I come with a load moan. He swallows what ended up in his mouth and wipes up his mouth and neck.

As I come down from my high experience, I see him finishing off, realizing he was taking care of himself at the same time.

He crawls up next to me and we lay there panting for a while, letting our body heat return to normal.

He wraps his arms around me gently from behind, and I snuggle into him as he presses a kiss to the side of my head.

I pull the covers up over us and close my eyes, ready to sleep from exhaustion.

He whispers quietly, "Was it good?"

I roll my eyes, although he can't see them, "Was it good?" I mimicked him. "It was fucking amazing. You're a fucking pro, what do you expect?"

He just kisses me again, this time more on my neck.

"Goodnight," I whisper, closing my eyes again.

"Sleep tight. I love you." He responds.

"Love you too," I say, and start to drift off to sleep, snoring softly like usual.

**~0~0~0**

**And there's your smut.**

**Now it's time for PLOT TWIST**

**next chapter**

**prepare yourselves**

**(im just excited I've had this idea for like 2 weeks now)**

**-Samurai**


	10. More sex whoops and forest adventures

**SORRY DON'T HATE ME I STILL LOVE YOU GUYS AND I FEEL TERRIBLE**

**I'M STILL ALIVE DON'T WORRY**

**FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE NEW READERS, THE PLOT TWIST FAILED AND IS NOT ACTUALLY EXISTANT SORRY NOT SORRY  
MOVING ON**

**this is literally just sex bye**

**~0~0~0**

Gamzee

I wake up to the sound of a softly snoring Karkat.

I roll out of bed, covering him back up. I stretch, trying not to make any yawning noises so as not to wake him up.

I pull on a pair of deep purple boxers and a plain gray t-shirt.

I look back at Karkat still sleeping peacefully, sigh and make my way into the kitchen for some breakfast. I pull out a box of cereal as per usual, and pour it into a small blue bowl with some milk.

I turn on the news and watch it from my little breakfast (lunch, and dinner) table, half paying attention to all the crappy stuff in the world going on, mostly focusing on the little colorful pieces floating around in my slightly discolored milk.

I hear an interrupted snore from the bedroom, and then a thump.

I head back into the room to find Karkat had fallen out of bed in his tiredness.

I chuckle to myself, then pick him up off the floor and lay him back down, while he's still half covered in blankets.

Partially awake, he pulls me down to him when I had started to back away, back to my breakfast and lame morning news. He pulls me down into a sweet kiss, and I just climb back into bed with him.

~0~0~0

My nails graze his back as he bites and licks at my neck, both of us consumed in a ridiculous amount of lust. Sure, we only just met in real life, but being together online for 9 months, it's like we're old friends with nothing more to talk about. Just the everyday stuff, and then actual dating and sex.

So, what does it matter? It's not like we love each other any less from meeting online. I don't think enough people understand that.

Another nip at my jawline brings me back to the situation at hand, and I feel him thread his fingers into my hair. I inch my way down his body, his lips leaving me with a last bite as I reach my hand down under the bed and take hold of the bottle of lube and a condom.

~0~0~0

After plenty of time preparing Karkat with foreplay tips I may have learned online, I enter him slowly and he makes the most delectable drawn-out noise. I wait a while for us both to adjust, and when he gives me the okay, wrapping his arms around me and holding me even closer, I start moving. Slowly and softly at first, before he asks me in a rushed whisper to go faster.

I comply, watching him to make sure it's all going well. Of course, it's not too bad on my end. Not too bad at all, I think as he lets out a loud moan, blushing at the same time. My brain reacts on its own by gasping and moaning back.

I thrust fast into him, taking hold of his length and pumping it in time with the thrusts. He becomes a mess of noise and movement, back arching and eyes opening and closing along with his moaning and gasping.

He starts stumbling over his words, trying to say he's about to cum before it's too late. I don't care, and keep going when he spills his load over my hand and chest, gasping and arching his back, eyes closed and mouth open, totally blissful.

Hearing him, seeing him in his most lovely state, I thrust hard into him again and climax, relaxing into the orgasm.

~0~0~0

After we come down from our "highs", we clean up, take a shower and eat breakfast.

We talk about our dreams, and about stupid things on the internet because that's what we do.

We end up laying on the couch watching the news, asking each other what we should actually do today. I think for a while, when an idea pops into my head. I sit up, tell him we're going on an adventure, and grab his hand to drag him out of the apartment.

We walk to the local Nursery (for flowers, of course) and he follows me around as I look for seeds.

An ivy tree seed—perfect.

I buy it and after a stop back at home for some other stuff, we walk into a forest type area. After walking along a slim trail made by years of people travelling in the same place, turning and winding and going through a bit of brush off the trail, we end up in a clearing. Just a straight up clearing in the forest, where light comes through like a spotlight, and dandelions grow wildly here and there.

He looks slightly confused, but just starting to figure out what was going on.

I smile as I get down on my knees, starting to dig in the middle of the open grassy area. He stands there for a second, then joins me. Once we get deep enough and tired enough, we carefully place the seed in our little hole, cover it with a little dirt, water it, then fill in the rest of the dirt, water again, and leave.

When we get back home, we change out of our dirty forest clothes into pajamas, and lay on the couch again, watching a movie that neither of us are paying much attention to.

**~0~0~0**

**OKAY SO**

**basically I'm really sorry but I lost inspiration for this story**

**I am going to finish it in the best way I can and I'm sure you guys will like it**

**but I will not cross back into the Tav territory and cover that situation**

**I'm not going to cover Karkat's struggles with depression/anorexia?/self-harm/etc**

**I just don't think I can do it**

**the next chapter **_**will be the last chapter**_

**-Samurai**


End file.
